During this hiatus from #EsteeSunday covers (due to the music video for "Naughty"), I've been feeling happier. I realize I've used this time to examine what I want to create to the world, to make
music that relates to me, and even to get in touch with myself more. These past few months were overwhelming. So many things to do including: figure out what songs to cover and make #EsteeSundays
each week, figure out how to get videos done for my EP, who to work with on the album, ways to market my music, and edit the "Naughty" video, write new material, along with keep up with my social
life, love life, family life, and my job/career. Music started losing its appeal at times, and it started feeling like WORK. I couldn't help but wonder why I was feeling this way- why did it feel
like creative expression and fun were slipping away from the craft? And the stress got to my head - trying to tackle everything by myself made me feel lost. At times it felt like being a musician
entailed being a marketing guru, designer, video editor, sound engineer, producer, project manager, strategist, researcher, etc. (and it still remains true). But yeah I just wanted a mentor...
ever since music became a passion I've really needed and longed for a mentor. I was just lost and overwhelmed.
So now slowing things down I've realized a few things. I must care less about opinion and more about expression and my craft. I want my music to be heard, not for fame, but for telling my story. I have things to say, and my story doesn't have to be in private if sharing them through this medium can make people feel something. I want people to feel how I feel when I relate to certain songs. Feeling is so important lol. And I felt like I was becoming a robot. I needed to step back and examine my craft. What was I trying to do? If my music can touch even one person, then I've done my job. But hopefully I can spread it to more. And speaking of which I've realized I need to engrain in myself that numbers aren't that important. Well they are to gauge how much my music is getting out there, but number of followers, likes, subscribers, retweets, shares, comments etc. should NOT define me. The engagement with my audience; however, should be something I care about. Are these people who listen to my music people who will actually stick by me? And care about what I'm doing? Or are they a one stop shopper? I want a deeper engagement with these people.
Also because of my stage fright and fear of the spotlight, I wondered to myself why I was doing all this. If I fear the spotlight, I fear the fame. But I need to position this in a way where it's about having a voice be heard. Not only my own but my audience's- helping people get in touch with the type of feeling I want to convey whether it be joy, excitement, nostalgia, etc. So these days I've been covering songs that have brought me to a certain feeling, that I'VE enjoyed, and have been writing based on my experiences and past. And it's been a much more genuine and fulfilling ride. I hope that my first album that I've been working on includes music that impacts me through each song. Creating new music with friends too is something I need to do more, as music is generally a SOCIAL activity. Yes I write a lot on my own and enjoy singing and playing by myself cause I can be a huge loner - but music becomes much more enjoyable sometimes when with others.
With the release of the music video for Naughty I have panicked a bunch of times about how people would view me. I cared so much about opinion, which I shouldn't mind. I have to be resilient. And I have to realize haters are inevitably gonna hate. This song for me describes a feeling (LOL how many times have I been using this word) that you get when you're about to go out feeling all sexy and confident without restriction, and you just let yourself dance the night away like a badass. Lol. And if the public portrays the song in a different way I shouldn't care. That is what the song means to me, and that feeling I describe is one I freakin love.
Lastly, and very importantly, I need to get in touch with myself. For some reason last weekend when I went out to the beach I felt much more rejuvenated. Experiencing the outdoors and getting out of my cave is something I need to do more. RELAXING is something I need to do more. Basically I need to go do whatever I feel like when I'm down in the dumps or just need some "me" time. And generally I must experience more. Let myself feel heartbreak, make mistakes, etc. That's how my music will grow too. The more mishaps and pain I go through the more I learn and mature. I'll feel things I haven't felt and come to realizations that I can speak about in my music. So basically I need to live my life more, because with that- I will be happier, I will mature, and my music will grow too.